MIA girl....

I've been MIA for a while, haven't I?

Big things are a'brewin in Amanda land....

Quit my job

Going to live in Utah for a month

Working on the coaching business...

Feeling better about life -- even though life is much more up in the air...

Here's a fun exercise...

1) What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
a half marathon

2) Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Yup - I wanted to lose weight and get in better shape and I did...more to go but better than this time last year

3) Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yup -- Camilla gave birth to lil Rowan

4) Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank goodness

5) What countries did you visit?
Canada

6) What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
peace

7) What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

September 16 - the day of the half marathon-I accomplished something I never thought I would

8) What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Quitting my job...taking a big, ballsy step

9) What was your biggest failure?
Not losing all of the weight I wanted to

10) Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yes -- my back and my foot

11) What was the best thing you bought?
my car

12) Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Andy - for every struggle and every fear, he meets the challenge and excels

13) Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
There are a few but I'd rather not point them out publically

14) Where did most of your money go?
bills

15) What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to Utah

16) What song will always remind you of 2007?
Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne

17) Compared to this time last year, are you:
- happier or sadder? happier about some things, sadder about others
- thinner or fatter? 30 lbs thinner
- richer or poorer? richer but soon to be poorer

18) What do you wish you'd done more of?
spent more time with friends

19) What do you wish you'd done less of?
worried

20) How will you be spending New Year?
at a party with Andy and his neighbours

21) Did you fall in love in 2007?
yes

22) How many one-night stands?
nopers

23) What was your favorite TV program?
The Office

24) Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
yes

25) What was the best book you read?
Middlesex

26) What was your greatest musical discovery?
Death Cab For Cutie - started discovering them in 2006 but this year was the year of them for me

27) What did you want and get?
a new car

28) What did you want and not get?
answers

29) What was your favorite film of this year?
The Holiday

30) What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 34 this year and had one of the worst days of my life...35 will be MUCH better

31) What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
peace

32) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
cute, preppy, comfy

33) What kept you sane?
Andy, Mer and Jon - my dearest friends

34) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Steve Carrel

35) What political issue stirred you the most?
the war

36) Who did you miss?
Jon - i didn't see him enough this year

37) Who was the best new person you met?
Maria

38) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
sometimes when you feel like you're going to jump off a cliff, you're just stepping off the sidewalk

39) Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make"

who do you think i am?

You Are An ENFJ

The Giver You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed. Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections. Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down. You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine. In love, you are very protective and supporting. However, you do need to "feel special" - and it's quite easy for you to get jealous. At work, you are a natural leader. You can help people discover their greatest potential. You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist. How you see yourself: Trusting, idealistic, and expressive When other people don't get you, they see you as: Bossy, inappropriate, and loud

What's Your Personality Type?

Next time she says "Do you want to do a 1/2 marathon with me?..."

i'm making sure she signs up first!

that's what i said to meredith after i finished yesterday...and i finished. when mer came to me and asked if i wanted to do this - at first i thought no way and then i thought what the heck so i signed up...she never did though!

17230 Amanda Lipnack Malvern PA 34 F 3:35:44
only 5:44 off my goal -- and that included 2 potty breaks and a killer toe cramp.

less than a mile to go, meredith called me and asked if i wanted her to walk with me -- i've never been so happy to see her and tai in my life -- they totally kept me sane for the finish and i ran in through the corral and picked up my shiny pretty medal. at the end of the race, waiting for me were 7 of the most important people in my life - they braved traffic and crowds and a very messy eakins oval and cheered me on when there was next to no one left waiting for us walkers.

today has been full of pain -- i think i've discovered i have this nerve problem in my left foot which would explain the pain and my glutes and my right hamstring are KILLING me today but yesterday i won. i won a medal and i accomplished something i never thought i'd be able to do.

now if i could just get over the running hump so i can RUN one of these buggers!

only half?

holy.
shit.

i'm doing a half marathon tomorrow.

i've got to put this into perspective because right now i am panicking.

yes, there are people who will finish this in 1 hour

i will finish it in about 3:30 and that is fine because this is something that is entirely about me. a year ago i couldn't have dreamed of doing a half marathon but tomorrow - 6 months to the day before my 35th birthday, i'll walk/run 13.1 miles

i will wake up at 5:30, jump in the shower and be on the road by 6:10. I will get to the city around 7 and park my car and then i will walk to the start and find my corral -- which is all the way in the back...and that's ok. at 7:45 i'll start moving and i'll move for 13.1 miles - 69168 feet. Doesn't sound so bad when you put it in feet...right? RIGHT?

It will take me a while to cross the starting line because I'll be all the way at the back...but once I do...it's all about me. I have my music, I'll have my water, I have my race number...17230

and when I'm done I'll buy the required "finishers" tshirt because tomorrow morning I'll have finished a half marathon....

right?

30 in 90?

this year i've lost 30 pounds - when i tell people how much they insist that it must actually be more than that because it looks like more which i attribute to the exercise i have been logging but i have another 30 that i want to lose -- actually, i probably have 50 that i want to lose but let's see what 30 looks like...30 made me lose 3 pants sizes...if another 30 did that then i'd be where i want to be.

so tomorrow begins the plan...

i'm going to spinning in the morning...

i packed my lunch tonight and it includes a big salad and some grilled chicken that andy thankfully grilled for me tonight

i am committing to drinking my water - water is needed and will make a big difference...

let's see where this plan lands me one week from tomorrow.

You spin me right round baby right round...

So tonight was my first spinning class and I really liked it! Now, don't get me wrong, my butt is now KILLING me...a gel seat or padded bike shorts will be very important if I keep doing it but I did really like it. It was exactly what I wanted -- it was a good work out, fun music and it didn't feel like it was an hour of work. I'm definitely doing it again...

Today was a very important day as Camilla and Tom welcomed their second son, Rowan Clemente into the world this morning - I shall go meet Rowan tomorrow night and get me lots of new baby smell. It is so interesting how one group of friends has almost exclusively boys and another has almost exclusively girls...

This past weekend was in some ways incredibly magical and in some ways a toughy...but all in all a very good weekend. Friday night I got to catch up with BJ which is always a pure joy...Saturday Andy the kids and I went to the pool and then to one of his neighbour's daughter's birthday party and it was the most fun I've had in a while and in fact it was a magical night. It's strange to have some out of body experiences where you just look around you and realize how blessed you are to be exactly in that place and in that time with the people you are with. Moments like that are pure magic and they are moments I wish I had all of the time.

Sunday was spent watching kids run wild in an amusement park and haveing a blast and Monday was spent doing a 5K, running some errands and then having a bbq at one of my favourite hang outs.

I need to focus on the moments when I have the magic in my life because the magic makes it all worth it.

on the way to cape may....

That song always makes me think of Lawrence Welk -- not sure why, just does.

Spent a lovely weekend in Cape May with some of my nearest and dearest life long friends. It's amazing to me to spend a weekend with people I have known for 20 years and they are no parents with their own kids.

From a conversation I had with C & W's son Jacob:

me: Does your brother like to swim in a swimming pool? (we were talking about how his brother did not like to swim in the ocean)
J: yes
me: Does he swim in Mimi's and Grandpa's pool a lot?
J: yes, he loves that
me: me too, I loved swimming in your Mimi's and Grandpa's pool.
J: you've been there? I don't remember that

Of course you don't Jacob -- I think the last time I swam there was the day your mother found out she was pregnant with you!

It's just nice to have people who have known you forever, who accept you for exactly who you are and that being with feels like old home week!

2 by 2...

The animals are collecting 2 by 2 in my little corner of Southeastern Pennsylvania - it's been raining almost non-stop since Sunday afternoon and I fear it is making me crabby. Which, of course, begs the question...why am I pondering moving to Seattle - the mythologically grayest and rainiest city in the country. Well, Pittsburgh actually has more gray days per annum than Seattle but who am I to judge? Some have suggested packing up my house and heading out there for a year just to see what happens - get a contract job and just go have an adventure and in many ways, that would be the safe way to go - not too much risk but potentially great reward.

But as I sit here today -- I wonder what I always wonder about my plans of moving to Seattle...am I running away from something or running to something? While I would hope it is the latter, my fear is that it is entirely the former.

The Boston 3Day 42 mile?

Well, it's done.

This past weekend I travelled to Boston to participate in the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer 3Day walk. To say it was an amazing experience is an understatement.

First, let me fess up, I didn't do all 60 miles. I walked about 42 miles.

Day 1 was...hot. No, it wasn't hot it was incredibly hot and humid. The rumour floating around camp is that it was 104 degrees. I only walked 17 miles that day. Yes, only. I was supposed to walk 21.5 but I had to listen to my body and know that I couldn't go any further and I'm glad I did listen because it would have been bad.

Day 2 was a bit better weather wise but it was by far the hardest day. I woke up with a pain in my right hip like I've never known. I walked about 7.5 miles and wound up getting myself bussed to lunch. After lunch I tried for 2.5 miles and was in tears through the last mile. I wanted so badly to walk the last day that I decided I needed to not kill myself. I went to the medical tent and this lovely trainer Heidi worked on my hip and performed a miracle as I was pain free when I stood up.

Day 3 was gorgeous weather wise. I was bound and determined to walk the whole thing. I paced myself, I talked to myself, I sang to myself and I walked 16.4 miles. It was almost entirely mental. I wanted to give up so many times but I wanted to finish more. It was totally mind over matter. My feet and legs were in agony but I wanted to finish and I'm SO happy I did. The last half mile was about the most incredible 10 minutes of my life. People cheering and screaming -- I was in tears by the time I was done. Everyone said that finishing was emotional but I wasn't at all prepared for what it was. It was way more than I anticipated. Throughout the weekend I kept thinking "there's no way in hell I'm doing this to myself again" and after the last 10 minutes I knew "I'm so doing this again."

I had a lot of time to think over this weekend and I figured out a lot about myself.

First and foremost, I'm tired of living in chaos. Mental, professional, emotional, physical...I'm going to work at cutting the chaos out of my life. Life is entirely too short to not spend it doing the things you love with the people you love honouring the causes you love. Love is worth fighting for. Life is worth fighting for and if I need to fight harder for some of the things I want, then I will do that. But I won't apologize anymore for being who I am. I won't feel bad about being who I am. I am me. I am lots of things, good and bad but all of them put together make me who I am and I have spent so much of my time trying to be anything but me. Not to say I may not slip into old patterns but I want more from my life and the only reason I'm going to get it is because I go for it.

I also learned to honour my body and be proud of what it can do and not be ashamed of what it can't do. I couldn't walk 60 miles this weekend but I could walk 42 and that, quite frankly, is amazing. There was a time in my life when walking up a flight of stairs was a challenge and this weekend I walked up miles and miles of stairs. Up big hills and down big hills -- over fields and roads and rivers and through the pain, I kept walking. I have fought against my body for so much of life but it felt very good to honour myself and be true.

I wish such an experience on the world around me. I wish that everyone can let the noise around them disappear and focus on what is in front of them. I wish that everyone can live life as it is meant to be lived, fully and strongly. I walked behind people this weekend with signs on their back that said "I walk because I miss my mom". How can we let ourselves forget that in a moment the things in front of us that we cherish can be gone so we need to embrace and honour them in the moment.

These boots are made for walkin...

This weekend I will be walking 60 miles in Boston...details when I return but let's hope for good weather and flat roads :)

just when you thought you knew me....

Benevolent Artist

been a long time

i've been quiet the past few weeks, i know. sorry carrie!

work has been busy as hell and i am in desperate need of a vacation which i am trying like hell to plan.

my 3day walk is in less than 2 weeks...actually 2 weeks from tonight i'll be finished!

i have been slacking on the exercise -- the work life has taken way too much of my time but i'm going to get back into the saddle -- or out of it as the case may be because i have places to go and people to see and things to accomplish.

I just happened to be nowhere near your neighborhood.

Can you name the movie from which that quote comes?

No?

Does the quote below help?

Club Interviewer: Talking here with Cliff Poncier. Cliff, any comments on the "Seattle Sound" and Citizen Dick's place in it?
Cliff Poncier: Well, I don't like to reduce us to just being part of the "Seattle Sound." I'd like to think of us as expanding more. Like, we're huge in Europe right now. I mean, we've got records... uh, a big record just broke in Belgium.
Club Interviewer: Now, a song like "Touch Me, I'm Dick" is about... what?
Cliff Poncier: Well, I think "Touch Me, I'm Dick," in essence, speaks for itself, you know. I think that, you know, that's basically what the song is, um... about... is about, you know... I-I think a lot of people might think it's actually about, you know,"My name is Dick, and, you know, you can touch me," but, I think, you know, it can be seen either way.

Still at a loss?

It's the movie Singles and it is one of my favourites. And it takes place in Seattle - which is where I sit today.

God, I love this city. It feels like home to me in a way that very few other places feel like home. I love the bustle of the city, I love the peeks of water you get as you walk block to block downtown, I love the unending supply of Devil Duckies, I love that one of the 3 most important people in my life (other than my parents) lives here and I love that I know my way around better than many people who live here. Running on Monday afternoon through downtown I was thinking to myself - why don't I just move here? I'd have a friend network as the aforementioned friend lives here and through him I've met a bunch of people. I know a lot of people in the recruiting world who could help me get a job -- I wouldn't be able to live in the size place I do now but I could make a great home here.

And then I think of all I'd leave behind if I lived here. I'd gain something wonderful but I'd lose a lot of wonderful things too. I'd miss out on spending time with my parents, with my closest friends, with their children. I'd miss Philadelphia and all it has to offer. I'd miss my home but god it is tempting.

I remember the first time I landed in Seattle in 1996 and the feeling I had of "home" even at icky SeaTac and I have been here at least 20 times and everytime I'm here, I fall more in love with the city. Maybe I just need to take comfort in the fact that for $300, I can be here anytime!

we're running with the shadows of the night....

So this is how my day began...sort of:




This has been an active week here in Seattle -- a LOT of hard work but a lot of exercise as well which for the most part has felt great. Now if only the scale would move! I'm anxious to weigh myself when I get home to see if I've moved at all -- I really hope so, I'm so sick of this plateau.

holy schmoley

that silly dan hill song is on the radio at the toyota dealership!

ah....mason and julia....

there used to be a soap opera called "santa barbara" and for years, it was my favourite! typical soap drama...rich girl (eden) loves bad boy cop (cruz), jealous sister (kelly - played by robin wright penn) and big brother mason....and his love julia. mason and julia NEVER had it easy -- life always got in the way of their romance...it was great stuff for my 12 year old romance obsessed self!

but mason and julia had a song...dan hill's "never thought" -- hearing the first few notes to this day brings me back to my living room in collegeville, watching the 2 of them, hoping and wishing they'd make it and that i'd make it too....

for some odd reason, "never thought" came flooding into my head on my flight to chicago last night...

Can I touch you?

I cant believe that you are real

How did I ever find you?

You are the dream that saved my life

You are the reason I survived

Baby...I never thought that I could love

Someone as much as I love you

I know its crazy but its true

I never thought that I could need

Someone as much as I need you

I love you...

Can I hold you?

Girl your smile lights up the sky

You are too beautiful for the human eye

You are the dream that never dies

You are the fire that burns inside

Baby...I never thought that I could love

Someone as much as I love you

I know its crazy but its true

I never thought that I could need

Someone as much as I need you

I love you...

You are the sinshine in the sky

You are the sparkle in my eyes

I never thought that I could love

Someone as much as I need you

I know its crazy but its true

I never thought that I could need

Someone as much as I need you

I love you.

25 or 6 to 4

for some god awful reason, this song has been in my head all day.

well, i did it.

i finished a 5k in under 45 minutes...hell, i finished it in under 44 minutes.

it was a great course - very flat.

it was a beautiful morning -- about 64 degrees and totally not humid.

it was a small group -- like 92 or 93?

it was 2 laps around the same course and when i finished the first lap at 22:31 i realized i could do it in under 45 minutes so i really pushed myself. ran a lot more of this than normally. but it felt great and really empowering.

this was the first race i've done without andy either doing it too or being there and while i missed him a lot (and he was my first call when it was done) it was nice for me to know that i'm doing this for ME and not because he is making me or anything like that. i want to find a few more to do this summer and then he and i talked tonight about doing a bunch in the fall. i really like running a race, with a group - it motivates me to push harder. plus when someone laps you at 12 minutes...that makes you realize you have a long way to go but that's ok. i've already come a long way, right?

lil bit of push and pull....

i had a really hectic day at work which flew by -- didn't leave until almost 6:30 but i still made it to the gym - did a few minutes (well, 10) of the eliptical and then weight work. i have something to do tomorrow night but i'm again going to try to get up in the morning and walk/run. i need to do this. i NEED to do this.

i have my plan for marathon training all laid out and it's supposed to start next week but i think i'm going to just begin it this week which means tonight was strength work and then tomorrow is 3 miles so if i get up and out by 5:30, i can be home by 6:30 and get ready to go to work.

so who wants to make sure i get out of bed in time to do this?

the winner takes it all....

hey -- any blog post that starts with Abba is good, right?

i beat Andy in a 5k
i beat Andy in a 5k

ok, we don't HAVE to go into the details that lead me to beating him....we don't have to include that he'd run a 5 mile run the night before in great time, we don't have to include the fact that he was tired, we don't have to include the fact that as we went into the finishing chute he said "ladies first" regardless, when you look at the finishing stats....Amanda *******, some other guy, Andrew *****....HA!

ok, now to be serious for a second, i have been doing a lot of thinking this weekend about goals and what i want and what i want to do and what i want to accomplish.

i am amazingly hard on myself. i don't have nearly enough faith in myself and i don't give myself credit for my accomplishments. i have a good job, a nice home, friends, family and yet because i'm not in great shape and the prettiest girl around, i feel like a failure and it's really annoying me. i am a very kind person and i take very good care of the people in my life but i don't take very good care of myself. so tryng this running thing seems to be a way to take care of myself. now, i feel the need to be clear because i don't really run, i trot a smidge but mostly walk quickly. i can't seem to get past the hump of being able to run and it really bums me out. it makes me very frustrated and very sad and means that i say really horrible things to myself which isn't a good thing to do either.

i went walking this morning in VF park -- not sure how far i went but i walked for an hour and if i'd had more time, i would have done more -- didn't run any off it, just walked...if i'm going to do this half marathon, i really need to kick it into high gear so i'm going to focus on that. stop focusing on what i'm missing or failing or how i continue to worry that if i disappeared tomorrow, no one would notice.

i wonder sometimes if i should go about my life not worrying about that so much - i try so hard to not be a bother that i think i wind up being one. wow, weird catch 22.

ok, wow, where did this blog post go...certainly not where i thought it would when i started typing. but back to my goals...i want to just be able to run more and more and make it not so hard on me. i want to get back into the weightloss scheme, get off this plateau and feel like at the end of the day that when Andy tells me how proud he is of me, i feel that pride too.

ouchy ouch ouch?

so wednesday night i had this team building thing for work and we did a high ropes course. i've done them before but not since i went to camp which is coming up on *gulp* 20 years ago.

i did an element that looked like this
only imagine that 35 feet in the air.

for those who have met me and i can't imagine someone is reading this who *hasn't* met me -- you know i'm not the most graceful person on the planet but there i was 35 feet in the air and i did a split that i had no clue i was capable of doing. maybe i should use that as a way to get dates? :)

and i have bruises on my right arm that look like track marks. gorgeous!

tomorrow is another 5k -- this one WITH andy as opposed to having him just cheer for me at the end. i'm glad we are doing this together - it's fun for both of us...well, if by fun we mean 45 minutes of hard work for me.

i don't have my usual sunday morning walking partner as kathleen is in VA visiting her dad for father's day so maybe i'll put a few episodes of 'this american life' on my ipod and do ridley creek myself early in the morning before it gets too hot. we shall see!

step by step

and no, i don't mean the hideous tv show with suzanne somers and patrick duffy...

i mean step aerobics class. i don't think i'm a girl meant to step, i'm WAY to uncoordinated for that.

but otherwise, since the 5k that almost killed me, i've been good.

the times were finally posted on the web for race for the cure and running of the monk and man, i gotta admit, i got a bit of a charge out of seeing my name there, even if the times were dismal. they'll get better because i'll keep working on it.

sunday though was a bonanza of exercising fun. i went walking with holly and makenna in the morning - we did the 6.6 mile loop in valley forge park and then went to the gym with andy and the swimming with him and the kidlets. and then ate way too much for dinner. good times. oh well, it was one of the lovliest sundays i've had in eons and eons, so you won't hear a complaint out of me!

i have been thinking though over the last few days - i struggle with being assertive. i need to work on that for myself...at work, with my friends....i'm really reluctant to express my needs/desires/ideas because i'm afraid of the results of that expression. there's another project to work on.

tomorrow i am going to do a high ropes course as a team building exercise with work and then thursday night i'll make sure i get to the gym before movie night. friday night i'll get myself to the gym to do something physical and then saturday morning andy and i have another 5k. after that i'm all out of races so i need to find some more to sign up for.

running up that hill....

Be running up that road,

Be running up that hill,

Be running up that building,

Say, if I only could, oh...

~Kate Bush

So last night sucked. It was HARD. WAY harder than Race for the Cure. It was hot as hell and the course was hilly and, have I mentioned it was hot? I wanted to quit so many times. I wanted to cut a corner and finish sooner. I wanted to stop in the middle and just be done so I didn't have to keep walking/trudging because what I was doing was WAY closer to trudging than running.

I am sure there were a ton of people looking at me thinking "what the hell is she doing?" but every time I do this...ok, the 2 times I've done this it definitely inspires me to take better care of myself and do better because I don't want that to be that hard. I want to do this one again next year and not finish the last hill and turn and be completely sure I was going to pass out (because for about 1 minute there, I thought I was going down) - I want to RUN more of this than I walk.

It's interesting because there were times during this my body was totally cooperating and I was running and it felt great -- it felt amazingly freeing and powerful to just run like that but then there were times with my body was like "yo lady, pipe down up there, you are carrying about 50 pounds more than I'm comfortable carrying, don't forget that" and those moments SUCKED! But I can keep working at this and keep trying to do better. Training for this half marathon is going to kick my butt but it's going to really push me forward. Mostly I just don't want to feel as bad at the end of the half marathon as I felt last night.

Then again, no matter how bad I felt or looked -- I had a very cute guy bring me water, beers and hot dogs -- what could be so bad about that?

girl i'm gonna make you sweat....

or the song goes something like that?

who knows and who cares.

i'm doing another 5k this evening and it's going to be a sweat-tastic sweatfest of sweating. good times.

94 degree with 32890438290482309% humidity.

at least i'm drinking buckets of water now, right?

i guess that's why they call it the blues....

Man, I am in a bad mood today.

Not really sure what that’s about – I don’t often tend to be in “bad” moods – sad, stressy, worried? Sure. Bad? Not often but I am today.

Doesn’t make a lot of sense because I got a good night of sleep last night which is often a trigger for a bad day to follow.

Work is really busy right now and kind of frustrating – which is part of why I am SO excited to get the coaching thing moving. I have tried to see if I can get it reimbursed by my company so that’d be fantastic.

Tonight Meredith and I are going walking (weather permitting) and then to lay out our training plan for the distance run – maybe an evening with Meredith will help me mood – it usually does.

I need a vacation though – BADLY. I could go to SF and wine country with my mom and her friends over Labour Day weekend this year but I’m not sure I want to do that. I mean I do but I’m not sure the funds will work out. I do want to go to Nova Scotia at some point this fall – plus I got a thing from Marriott today to go to St. Thomas for a week for $299! That’s quite tempting too but won’t happen.

I think I’m bothered by the limbo – being at the start of so many great things but not fully engaged in them yet. But maybe I’m supposed to enjoy the limbo instead of cursing it.

at what point do we call someone crazy?

People throw the term "crazy" around a lot. People describe other people as crazy way too much - but right now I'm feeling a bit like a crazy person.

Last week I was posting on a message board with a bunch of friends and some were encouraging me to come to Maui to run the Maui Marathon on 9/16 -- and as appealing as being in Maui sounds...

1. running a marathon is a BIT unrealistic
2. I don't really have to cashola to go to Hawaii
3. have i mentioned running a marathon is a bit unrealistic?

But it did make me start to think -- what other race could I run on 9/16 to join my friends in solidarity - plus 9/16 is 6 months to 35 and since I've decided that my 35th birthday will be infinitely better than my 34th -- it seems fitting.

So after some searching and some suggestions by friends....

I'm going to do the Philadelphia Distance Run.

It's a half marathon.

For those of you playing at home, that is 13.1 miles. I have to finish it in less than 4 hours which makes it very possible. Meredith had brought the idea up to me a few weeks ago and I basically ignored it but we're going to do this. I need to register for it. Tuesday Meredith and I are going to put together a training schedule.

I'm going to run a half marathon.

That, my friends, makes me crazy.

better something than nothing

2 walks this weekend, dancing at the hotest concert ever and a lot of better. better something than nothing, right?

i did one of the exercise videos on cable tonight - "1 mile jog" or something like that and i jogged the whole time. i can't do that on the treadmill but i could in my living room. interesting. i think i'm going to try to run outside tomorrow morning and see what happens.

back in the saddle again

hit the gym today

good amanda

i have lots of physical activity planned this weekend....3 walks planned and if i can get off my duff and get padded bike shorts then i may hit the valley forge bike path to the city and see how far i can go.

i bought clothes in regular sizes last night -- not "women" sizes but regular sizes.

go me!

2 days off...but back on the wagon tomorrow

last night i went out to dinner with my dad and alison and tonight i just took care of some fun stuff like changing kitty litter and working late which meant no gym but i think i'm going to go walking/running in the morning and maybe lift weights after work as i'm going out for day late movie night later in the evening so i'll have time after work to do some stuff.

saturday i'm doing the ridley creek loop with kathleen, sunday i'm going to do a training walk for the breast cancer 3 day and then monday holly, makenna and i are planning a walk in valley forge park.


i'm all registered for coach training, sign, sealed and delivered! i have to order my text books this weekend and off i go. i'm so excited!

9 days and counting

So today was day 9 straight of doing something active....in the last 9 days I've gone walking, swimmng, lifted weights, elipticalled and biked, it's kind of cool.

Driving home at night from work I never want to go but I feel great after I do it. The process of DOING it sometimes leaves something to be desired but I do really feel good about myself after the fact.

I want to start going to classes at the Y, that might help me get in more cardio which is the thing I need to work on most but I have noticed that my heart rater has come down when I'm working out. My body is still really tired or has to work hard or gets me out of breath but my heart rate seems to be stablizing.

I wonder when I'll get over the hump and be able to run more than 10 feet.

What the hell is happening to me?

So, I'm getting my act together.

No, really I am and it's kind of scaring me. I didn't really even plan for it to happen, it just seems to be happening.

In January I decided to join Weight Watchers and just give it a whirl and see what happens...since then I've been taking pretty darn good care of myself, I've really started an exercise program and I walked/ran a 5K on May 13.

See? Andy and me after the race

I'm not sure what the change has been...has it been spending a fair bit of time with someone who is very active? Is it that I'm 34 and I don't want to feel like an old woman any sooner than necessary? Is it the fact that I have had back problems for years and losing weight/getting stronger is only going to help that? Is it just wanting to be true to myself and take care of myself?

Who knows and on some level, who cares -- it's probably one from column A, one from column B but here I am -- almost 30 pounds down and with 2 5K races on my calendar in June. I have very meager running ambitions -- right now I just want to be able to run 1 mile straight and to finish a 5K in less than 40 minutes. For real runners that is laughable but for me? Well, for me it'd be a huge accomplishment. I have even loftier goals but for now, we'll focus on the first one.

So I'm going to start tracking my progress and what I'm doing and see what I can come up with. I'm trying to keep moving every day, be healthy every day.

I focused on just losing weight at first and while I still want to do that (goodness knows I have a ways to go) I also want to focus on eating better foods, whole foods -- really focus on being HEALTHY and not just making my life easier. Easier will be having more energy and being healthier -- everything else will fall into place with that.

Oh yeah, and I signed up for coach training tonight.

I am the others...

Sometimes I think I'm really kind of schizophrenic. I really feel like 2 people sometimes. Though I know that isn't the definition of being schizophrenic, it is a rather socially accepted way to describe how I feel.

This morning driving to work, I heard to separate songs that are so in opposition to one another and yet, I have and do feel like both of them are me.

As Cool As I am
Dar Williams

Yea, there was a time I didnt like the love, I liked the climbers,
I was no sister then, I was running out of time and one liners,
And I was afraid, like you are when youre too young to know the time, and
So I watched the way you take your fear and hoard the horizon,
You point, you have a word for every woman you can lay your eyes on,
Like you own them just because you bought the time,
And you turn to me, you say you hope Im not threatened,

Oh -- Im not that petty, as cool as I am, I thought youd know this already,
I will not be afraid of women, I will not be afraid of women.

So now were at a club, you watch the woman dancing, she is drunk,
She is smiling and shes falling in a slow, descending funk,
And the whole bar is loud and proud and everybodys trying, yeah.
You play the artist, saying, "Is it how she moves, or how she looks?"
I say, its loneliness suspended to our own like grappling hooks,
And as long as shes got noise, shes fine.
But I could teach her how I learned to dance when the musics ended,

Oh -- and thats not petty, as cool as I am, I thought youd know this already,
I will not be afraid of women, I will not be afraid of women.

You tried to make me doubt, to make me guess, tried to make me feel like a little less,
Oh, I liked you when your soul was bared, I thought you knew how to be scared,
And now its amazing what you did to make me stay,
But truth is just like time, it catches up and it just keeps going,

And so Im leaving, you can find out how much better things can get,
And if it helps, Id say I feel a little worse than I did when we met,
So when you find someone else, you can try again, it might work next time,
You look out of the kitchen window and you shake your head and say low,
"If I could believe that stuff, Id say that woman has a halo,"
And I look out and say, "Yeah, shes really blond,"
And then I go outside to join the others, I am the others,

Oh -- and thats not easy, I dont know what you saw, I want somebody who sees me,
I will not be afraid of women, I will not be afraid of women.

When I was 23, I dated a man. I actually thought a lot about him this weekend as I was in the city in which he lived. I had known him for a few years before we dated. I really try to find nice things to say about people but there isn't really anything nice to say about him. He was pretty terrible to me. He was abusive - emotionally and sexually. He reminded me constantly how lucky "someone like me" was to have "someone like him". How I wasn't worthy of him, how I was lucky he'd even entertain being with someone like me (which to him, was the fact that I'm overweight -- I should have been grateful to him for compromising in such a generous way). And I put up with it. Heck, I embraced it -- I was lucky to be with him (or so I thought) -- he was a few years older than me, he had a career when I was just starting working, he had some money and promised to take care of me. And he told me he loved me. And I embraced it until he told me he loved me AND his ex-fiance and he was going to date both of us and in fact, the 3 of us could live together happily ever after and I was going to be fine with it. Those were actually his words. I was going to be fine with it. Well, for one of the few times in my life, I stood up for myself. I wasn't going to be fine with it. I walked away from him and never looked back. I remember hearing this song for the first time and it became my anthem. I wasn't going to let myself feel like less than other women -- I was going to realize that some people just don't see the quality of people.

To this day, I surround myself with amazingly strong and wonderful women. I am lucky to have the circle that I do -- some are old and some are new. But here I sit. Totally afraid of other women. I look at other women with amazing envy -- of the clothes they have, of the jobs they have, of the way other people look at them, of the way that other men feel about them. I find myself jealous all of the time. I look at other women with tremendous envy -- for living the life that I've always wanted but never had. Some women inspire men to be better people -- to work hard to win the love of a good woman -- to be deserving and lucky enough to be with this amazing woman. I've never been that woman. Never. You'd think 8 days from 34, I'd be coming to terms with it. I haven't. Part of me hasn't because I don't want to. I don't want it to be true. I want to be good enough, I want to be special enough. I want to feel ok in my own skin. I never have. I wonder if I ever will. I constantly wonder why it is people keep me around. I constantly am trying to prove that I am worth the time and effort and I feel like I fall short constantly. Like I can never do enough because I've never been enough.

Which leads me to the next song...this is one that has resonated with me for years and I hadn't heard it in years until this morning. It's painful to be ordinary. It's difficult to feel like you could blend into the walls. I look at the people around me in my life and they are so amazing and special. They are tremendous people. And I'm just me, ya know?

I Am So Ordinary
Paula Cole

I nearly died I suicided softly
I saw her shadow through the cafe window
I watched you lean across the table
I watched you whisper in her ear

And she is your holy Mary
And I am so ordinary
And you can use me if you want to
I know you need me just like an old soft shoe

She looks like me but a bit prettier
She's a skater and a ballet dancer
I saw her on your motorcycle
In the seat I thought was meant for me

And she is your holy Mary
And I am so ordinary
And you can use me if you want to
I know you need me just like an old soft shoe

And when your mother came to Boston you disappeared
And then I saw you three together
I guess she makes the best impression
With her charming femininity...

And she is your holy Mary
And I am so ordinary
And you can use me if you want to
I know you need me just like an old soft shoe

Oh but I am the one you will call when alone
And I am the one who will give when she's gone
And so I give
So I give

I tell myself that love is truly giving
Somehow I justify this
Hoping you will understand me
Hoping you will love me back

And she is your holy Mary
And I am so ordinary
And she is your Queen Cleopatra
And I'm just your morning after
And she is your Star Spangled Banner
And I am just Frere Jaque
And you can lose me if you want to

And I am so ordinary

another one from the archives...

Somebody
Depeche Mode

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She will hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear
Of those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it

Here's another one that I love. I remember the first time I heard it -- I was standing in the middle of Rover Village at Camp Conrad Weiser and in a split second I thought "that's it -- that's exactly what I want."

Confessions of a Barry Manilow fan....

Weekend in New England

Last night I wave goodbye

Now its seems years

I'm back in the city

Where nothing is clearBut thoughts of me holding you

Bringing us near

And tell me

When will our eyes meet?

When can I touch you?

When will this strong yearning endAnd when will

I hold you again

Time in New England

Took me away

To long rocky beaches

And you by the bay

We started a story

Who's end must now wait

And tell me

When will our eyes meet?
When can I touch you?
When will this strong yearning endAnd when will
I hold you again

I feel the change comingI feel the wind blow

I feel brave and daring

I feel my blood flow

With you I could bring out

All the love that I have

With you there's a heaven

So earth ain't so bad

And tell me

When will our eyes meet?
When can I touch you?
When will this strong yearning endAnd when will
I hold you again

Ready To Take A Chance Again

You remind me

I live in a shell,

Safe from the past,and doing' okay,but not very well.

No jolts, no surprises,

No crisis arises:

My life goes along as it should,it's all very nice,but not very good.

And I'm Ready To Take A Chance Again,

Ready to put my love on the line with you.

Been living with nothing to show for it;

You get what you get when you go for it,

And I'm Ready To Take Chance Again with you.

When she left me in all my despair,

I just held on,

My hopes were all gone.

Then I found you there.

And I'm Ready To Take A Chance Again

Ready To Take A Chance Again with you,

With you.

Mandy
Oh Mandy

well,You came and you gave without taking,

But I sent you away.

Oh, Mandy

well,Kissed me and stopped me from shaking,

And I need you today.

Oh, Mandy!

I won’t lie – when I was a kid, I was a DIE HARD Barry Manilow fan – hell, I still kind of am – but only the old stuff, not the new.

I used to sit in front of my mother’s stereo and listen to the Barry Manilow Live Album OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. I used to pretend I was going to marry him and we’d live happily ever after. Certainly someone as romantic as he must have been to write the songs that he did would love me, right? Well, I believed that as a kid. Little did I know then that I didn’t really come with the right parts for him (or so I think!)

But I listened to these 3 songs this morning on my drive to work. I believed as a kid in real, honest to God romance. I believed in someone coming to sweep me off of my feet. I believed in the marriages I saw on TV – with families that while crazy, were very much in love with each other. I believed that someday, someone would love me as much as I knew that I could love back. I believed that someone would simply ache for me the way that I would ache for them.

The sad truth is that at 33, I’ve never had that. I’ve never had someone love me as much as I loved them – or as much as I am able to love. And that reality hurts. A lot.

There is a program on NPR called this I believe and I love it. I love listening to the hope (for the most part) that people believe in because I have that hope. I believe in the goodness of people and I believe in love. Real, true love. Even though I have never known it.

It is my own challenge to believe that it is just because I haven’t found it yet and not because it doesn’t exist for me – because I am somehow unworthy of it. It is that with which I struggle – to stay positive. To continue to believe in my own worth and ability to be loved.

I continue to believe.

least complicated?

Least Complicated
Indigo Girls

I sit two stories above the street
Its awful quiet here since love fell asleep
Theres life down below me though
The kids are walking home from school

Some long ago when we were taught
That for whatever kind of puzzle you got
You just stick the right formula in
A solution for every fool

I remember the time when I came so close to you
Sent me skipping my class and running from school
And I bought you that ring cause I never was cool
What makes me think I could start clean slated
The hardest to learn was the least complicated

So I just sit up in the house and resist
And not be seen until I cease to exist
A kind of conscientious objection
A kind of dodging the draft

The boy and girl are holding hands on the street
And I dont want to but I think you just wait
Its more than just eye to eye
Learn the things I could never apply

I remember the time when I came so close with you
I let everything go it seemed the only truth
And I bought you that ring, it seemed the thing to do

What makes me think I could start clean slated
The hardest to learn was the least complicated
So what makes me think I could start clean slated
The hardest to learn was the least complicated

Im just a mirror of a mirror myself
All the things that I do
And the next time I fall Im gonna have to recall
Its isnt love its only something new

I sit two stories above the street
Its awful quiet here since love fell asleep
Theres life down below me though
The kids are walking home from school

Im remember the time when I came so close with you
Sent me skipping my class and running from school
And I bought you that ring cause I never was cool

What makes me think I could start clean slated
The hardest to learn was the least complicated
So what makes me think I could start clean slated
The hardest to learn was the least complicated
The least complicated
The least complicated

I was thinking on my drive to work today that my life is really complicated....it seems like there are just no easy answers...I want to say anymore but I'm not entirely sure there have EVER been easy answers.

Too many of life's obvious questions, there are no easy answers for me...

• So, are you married? -- well....yes but it's complicated....
• How is work? -- well, it's going ok but it's complicated....
• Are you dating anyone? -- well...yeah but it's complicated...
• Are you happier now than you were a year ago? -- well...yeah, but it's complicated...

Do we see a theme here? I understand that life is certainly complicated and that it is always easy to look at someone else's life and go "wow, they have it EASY" but from where they sit, I am sure that things are complicated for them.

I find it very easy to focus on the negative in life. All the things that are missing. All the things that I want but aren't there -- it's easy to point and go "yup, that's it -- that's the problem" so I'm trying very hard to focus on being positive. I'm trying to see the gems and beauty that exist in the complications. Even in the complications are moments of certainty and are moments of good and happiness. Would I like for someone to say "yup, here's the plan, start down the path and life will be EASY"? HELL YEAH! Is that going to happen anytime soon? HELL NO! So I take the complications. I even try to embrace the complications. There are lessons there. There have to be. Everything in life is an opportunity to learn and to grow -- an opportunity to become a better person. To be more understanding, to be more loving, to be yourself, less complicated.

Imagine being personally uncomplicated - imagine being transparent and being exactly who you are and enjoying that. I need to learn to enjoy that part of myself more often because I'm terribly hard on myself.

I need to learn to be less complicated.

confessions of a lyric junkie

someone else's life
joshua radin
and somehow i'm leading someone else's life
i cut her star down with my knife
and right now i still see the way the moon
plays this tune though our night's died

my hands shake
my knees quake
it's every day
the same way

cause then came you
then there's you
i keep your picture
in my worn-through shoes
then there's you
then came you
when i'm lost
i look at my picture of you

and somehow i'll make tonight our own
show you every way i've grown since i met you
and right now i'll be the boy in your next song
i'll learn the parts and play along if you let me

my hands shake
my knees quake
it's every day
the same way

cause then came you
then there's you
i keep your picture
in my worn-through shoes
then there's you
then came you
when i'm lost
i look at my picture of you

if you let me i'll show the world to you
yes if you let me i'll know just what to do

cause then came you
then there's you
i keep your picture
in my worn-through shoes
when i'm lost in your eyes
i see the way for me

if you know me for more than say 30 seconds -- you'll know i'm a song lyric junkie.

i need to write -- it would be good for me to do so but i often struggle with inspiration. well, that's not true. i have inspiration but it rarely tends to be when i am sitting in front of a computer with time to write -- it usually happens in my car, listening to music...so maybe this will help?

anyway -- this song. current favourite song. it absolutely applies to how i feel about someone. actually, a few someones including myself. i am very good at looking outside of myself and understanding other people -- i get other people -- i don't really get myself as well and that is going to be the focus of the big 34 which is officially just a few weeks away.