This morning driving to work, I heard to separate songs that are so in opposition to one another and yet, I have and do feel like both of them are me.
As Cool As I am
Dar Williams
Yea, there was a time I didnt like the love, I liked the climbers,
I was no sister then, I was running out of time and one liners,
And I was afraid, like you are when youre too young to know the time, and
So I watched the way you take your fear and hoard the horizon,
You point, you have a word for every woman you can lay your eyes on,
Like you own them just because you bought the time,
And you turn to me, you say you hope Im not threatened,
Oh -- Im not that petty, as cool as I am, I thought youd know this already,
I will not be afraid of women, I will not be afraid of women.
So now were at a club, you watch the woman dancing, she is drunk,
She is smiling and shes falling in a slow, descending funk,
And the whole bar is loud and proud and everybodys trying, yeah.
You play the artist, saying, "Is it how she moves, or how she looks?"
I say, its loneliness suspended to our own like grappling hooks,
And as long as shes got noise, shes fine.
But I could teach her how I learned to dance when the musics ended,
Oh -- and thats not petty, as cool as I am, I thought youd know this already,
I will not be afraid of women, I will not be afraid of women.
You tried to make me doubt, to make me guess, tried to make me feel like a little less,
Oh, I liked you when your soul was bared, I thought you knew how to be scared,
And now its amazing what you did to make me stay,
But truth is just like time, it catches up and it just keeps going,
And so Im leaving, you can find out how much better things can get,
And if it helps, Id say I feel a little worse than I did when we met,
So when you find someone else, you can try again, it might work next time,
You look out of the kitchen window and you shake your head and say low,
"If I could believe that stuff, Id say that woman has a halo,"
And I look out and say, "Yeah, shes really blond,"
And then I go outside to join the others, I am the others,
Oh -- and thats not easy, I dont know what you saw, I want somebody who sees me,
I will not be afraid of women, I will not be afraid of women.
Dar Williams
Yea, there was a time I didnt like the love, I liked the climbers,
I was no sister then, I was running out of time and one liners,
And I was afraid, like you are when youre too young to know the time, and
So I watched the way you take your fear and hoard the horizon,
You point, you have a word for every woman you can lay your eyes on,
Like you own them just because you bought the time,
And you turn to me, you say you hope Im not threatened,
Oh -- Im not that petty, as cool as I am, I thought youd know this already,
I will not be afraid of women, I will not be afraid of women.
So now were at a club, you watch the woman dancing, she is drunk,
She is smiling and shes falling in a slow, descending funk,
And the whole bar is loud and proud and everybodys trying, yeah.
You play the artist, saying, "Is it how she moves, or how she looks?"
I say, its loneliness suspended to our own like grappling hooks,
And as long as shes got noise, shes fine.
But I could teach her how I learned to dance when the musics ended,
Oh -- and thats not petty, as cool as I am, I thought youd know this already,
I will not be afraid of women, I will not be afraid of women.
You tried to make me doubt, to make me guess, tried to make me feel like a little less,
Oh, I liked you when your soul was bared, I thought you knew how to be scared,
And now its amazing what you did to make me stay,
But truth is just like time, it catches up and it just keeps going,
And so Im leaving, you can find out how much better things can get,
And if it helps, Id say I feel a little worse than I did when we met,
So when you find someone else, you can try again, it might work next time,
You look out of the kitchen window and you shake your head and say low,
"If I could believe that stuff, Id say that woman has a halo,"
And I look out and say, "Yeah, shes really blond,"
And then I go outside to join the others, I am the others,
Oh -- and thats not easy, I dont know what you saw, I want somebody who sees me,
I will not be afraid of women, I will not be afraid of women.
When I was 23, I dated a man. I actually thought a lot about him this weekend as I was in the city in which he lived. I had known him for a few years before we dated. I really try to find nice things to say about people but there isn't really anything nice to say about him. He was pretty terrible to me. He was abusive - emotionally and sexually. He reminded me constantly how lucky "someone like me" was to have "someone like him". How I wasn't worthy of him, how I was lucky he'd even entertain being with someone like me (which to him, was the fact that I'm overweight -- I should have been grateful to him for compromising in such a generous way). And I put up with it. Heck, I embraced it -- I was lucky to be with him (or so I thought) -- he was a few years older than me, he had a career when I was just starting working, he had some money and promised to take care of me. And he told me he loved me. And I embraced it until he told me he loved me AND his ex-fiance and he was going to date both of us and in fact, the 3 of us could live together happily ever after and I was going to be fine with it. Those were actually his words. I was going to be fine with it. Well, for one of the few times in my life, I stood up for myself. I wasn't going to be fine with it. I walked away from him and never looked back. I remember hearing this song for the first time and it became my anthem. I wasn't going to let myself feel like less than other women -- I was going to realize that some people just don't see the quality of people.
To this day, I surround myself with amazingly strong and wonderful women. I am lucky to have the circle that I do -- some are old and some are new. But here I sit. Totally afraid of other women. I look at other women with amazing envy -- of the clothes they have, of the jobs they have, of the way other people look at them, of the way that other men feel about them. I find myself jealous all of the time. I look at other women with tremendous envy -- for living the life that I've always wanted but never had. Some women inspire men to be better people -- to work hard to win the love of a good woman -- to be deserving and lucky enough to be with this amazing woman. I've never been that woman. Never. You'd think 8 days from 34, I'd be coming to terms with it. I haven't. Part of me hasn't because I don't want to. I don't want it to be true. I want to be good enough, I want to be special enough. I want to feel ok in my own skin. I never have. I wonder if I ever will. I constantly wonder why it is people keep me around. I constantly am trying to prove that I am worth the time and effort and I feel like I fall short constantly. Like I can never do enough because I've never been enough.
Which leads me to the next song...this is one that has resonated with me for years and I hadn't heard it in years until this morning. It's painful to be ordinary. It's difficult to feel like you could blend into the walls. I look at the people around me in my life and they are so amazing and special. They are tremendous people. And I'm just me, ya know?
I Am So Ordinary
Paula Cole
I nearly died I suicided softly
I saw her shadow through the cafe window
I watched you lean across the table
I watched you whisper in her ear
And she is your holy Mary
And I am so ordinary
And you can use me if you want to
I know you need me just like an old soft shoe
She looks like me but a bit prettier
She's a skater and a ballet dancer
I saw her on your motorcycle
In the seat I thought was meant for me
And she is your holy Mary
And I am so ordinary
And you can use me if you want to
I know you need me just like an old soft shoe
And when your mother came to Boston you disappeared
And then I saw you three together
I guess she makes the best impression
With her charming femininity...
And she is your holy Mary
And I am so ordinary
And you can use me if you want to
I know you need me just like an old soft shoe
Oh but I am the one you will call when alone
And I am the one who will give when she's gone
And so I give
So I give
I tell myself that love is truly giving
Somehow I justify this
Hoping you will understand me
Hoping you will love me back
And she is your holy Mary
And I am so ordinary
And she is your Queen Cleopatra
And I'm just your morning after
And she is your Star Spangled Banner
And I am just Frere Jaque
And you can lose me if you want to
And I am so ordinary
Paula Cole
I nearly died I suicided softly
I saw her shadow through the cafe window
I watched you lean across the table
I watched you whisper in her ear
And she is your holy Mary
And I am so ordinary
And you can use me if you want to
I know you need me just like an old soft shoe
She looks like me but a bit prettier
She's a skater and a ballet dancer
I saw her on your motorcycle
In the seat I thought was meant for me
And she is your holy Mary
And I am so ordinary
And you can use me if you want to
I know you need me just like an old soft shoe
And when your mother came to Boston you disappeared
And then I saw you three together
I guess she makes the best impression
With her charming femininity...
And she is your holy Mary
And I am so ordinary
And you can use me if you want to
I know you need me just like an old soft shoe
Oh but I am the one you will call when alone
And I am the one who will give when she's gone
And so I give
So I give
I tell myself that love is truly giving
Somehow I justify this
Hoping you will understand me
Hoping you will love me back
And she is your holy Mary
And I am so ordinary
And she is your Queen Cleopatra
And I'm just your morning after
And she is your Star Spangled Banner
And I am just Frere Jaque
And you can lose me if you want to
And I am so ordinary
